Very Happy Phil

One of THE biggest free happiness boosters we can have is a lover! Almost all very happy people are found to be in a happy loving relationship. (Although some very happy people don’t, I will give you an example; Monks.) This week I felt it would be very useful to get the best advice on happy romantic relationships.

The best advice around comes from Dr John Gottman. Gottman is an expert who has studied and researched couples for years. He studied happy couples and found that these couples devote an extra five hours per week to their marriage. Here is what these couples do and I strongly recommend this wisdom to you. Of course, you have the option to vary these rituals according to your schedule, but don’t allow the busyness of life to slowly chip away at doing this. This is a minimum foundation, not the maximum.

5 HOURS OF O.P.R.A.H. EVERYWEEK;
One Weekly Date: Just the two of you in a relaxed atmosphere,
having a date and renewing your love. Having fun
(2 hours once a week).
Partings: Before these couples say good-bye every morning,
they find out one thing that each is going to do that day, showing
interest and support to the other.
(2 minutes X 5 days of the week = 10 minutes)
Reunions: At the end of each workday these couples have a
20min. low-stress reunion conversation, before immersing themselves
in other tasks, hobbies, etc.
(20 minutes X 5 days of the week = 1 hour 40 minutes)
Admiration and Appreciation: Every day genuine verbal
appreciation is given to each other at least once.
(5 minutes X 7 days = 35 minutes)
Hugging, touching, holding, and kissing— Affection all laced with
tenderness, reconnection and, forgiveness, if needed.
(5 minutes X 7 days = 35 minutes)

Your task this week; Five hours of O.R.R.A.H.
One Weekly Date
Partings
Reunions
Admiration/Appreciation
Hugging

You can use OPRAH on friends, family and lovers.

Here are a few of my favourite quotes which inspire me;
Dr. Gottman offers some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.
• Seek help early.
• Edit yourself.
• Soften your "start up."
• Accept influence from partner.
• Have high standards.
• Learn to repair and exit the argument.
• Focus on the bright side.
• Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
• Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
• Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.
• Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them". This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
• Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
• Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
• Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot;" not, "We never have any fun". A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.

Dr Gottman and Dr Covey both include the ‘emotional bank account’ metaphor in their best selling books. The Emotional Bank Account is just like a positive piggy bank which can be filled with love! Deposits can be made by acts of love, honesty, positive emotion, positive comments, gifts and acts with a person you know. Keep promising. Do what you say you will do. Apologize sincerely if you make a withdrawal, by a negative withdrawl.

Gottman found there is at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative
interactions in relationships that last. That includes appreciation, shared
humor, gestures of affection and positive actions, small and large.

“If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits, a marriage will deteriorate. And this is in the most intimate, the most potentially rich, joyful, satisfying and productive relationship possible between two people on this earth.

Our most constant relationships, like marriage, require our most constant deposits. Your accounts with the people you interact with on a regular basis require more constant investment. Building and repairing relationships are long-term investments. "
-'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' by Stephen R. Covey

“The need to feel loved is a primary emotional need. Keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Learn your love language. Learn to speak and understand your mate’s love language. The Five Love Languages;
1.Words of Affirmation (Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully)
2.Quality Time (It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate.)
3.Receiving Gifts (These gifts need not to come every day, or …cost a lot of money.)
4.Acts of Service (Sometimes simple chores around the house)
5.Physical Touch (Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact)”
-Gary Chapman, ‘The Five Love Languages’

Here is my tip for working out your love language;
Of those five love languages if you had to loose one, which one would it be? Write down 5 beside it and cross through the words. Do this until you are left with your most important love language number 1. You now have your hierarchy of love languages.

Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

"Close relationships are Number 1. More than anything else, the research shows unequivocally that nothing has a greater impact on personal happiness than a close, love relationship. Of all things you could do, spending more "quality time" with your close ones and doing what you can to enhance those relationships that could to your very best happiness investment!"
- Dr Michael Fordyce, 'Fourteen Fundamentals'

Dr Gottman found older happy couples had become positive communicators; the resolution of important conflicts was less negatively emotional and more affectionate than in middle-aged marriages.

Dr Gottman found greater negativity expressed in unhappy marriages than in happy marriages and a greater likelihood of wives to be affectively negative and husbands to be defensive and neutral and stonewall.

Gottman can predict divorce with 90 percent of accuracy. He finds couples headed for divorce often display;
-A harsh start up in a disagreement
-Criticism of partner, rather than complaints
-Displays of contempt
-Hair trigger defensiveness
-Lack of validation particularly stonewalling
-Negative body language

Gottman found couples who had faster heart beats, who sweated more and moved more during marital interaction, or even when sitting quietly but anticipating marital conflict, had marriages which, three years later, had deteriorated.

Men who did housework were less overwhelmed by their wife's emotions, less likely to avoid conflict and had lower heart rates during conflict than men who did no housework. As well, hot marital conflict by itself is not destructive to marriage if it also includes positive affects, such as touch, humour, positive problem-solving, agreement and non-defensive listening. Positive affects reduce physiological arousal. And, for marriage to be on an improving path, the ratio of positive to negative events needs to exceed 10 to 1.

Professors Frank Fincham and Thomas Bradbury track whether marriages with optimists and pessimists work;
Optimist and Optimist marriages work.
Optimist and pessimist marriages work.
Pessimist and pessimist marriages do not work.

"Money's one of the main causes of conflict in relationships. "–
relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall

According to Relate, calls to its couples counselling service increase by up to 30 per cent every September. Couples experiencing relationship problems, or those going through a particularly stressful period, can be tempted to think that going on holiday will solve all their problems. But if the holiday fails to live up to expectations, they may end up blaming each other and feeling even worse than before they went away. The most common cause of holiday disasters … poor communication about expectations. Many couples invest huge amounts of emotional energy as well as money into their annual holidays, and if things don't go as planned the feelings of disappointment can be hard to cope with.”
- relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall

“A relationship is built on a foundation of support.
Share the praise and share the blame.
Share housework.
Set rules for conflict.
Treat the disease, not the symptom.
You’ll need some relationship friends.
A relationship starts with yourself.
Like the way you look.
Master your fears.
Stay flexible.
Be willing to evolve.
You are complete by yourself.
A sense of humour helps.
Drink less.
You have nothing to envy.
It’s the little things that matter most.
The relationship test; Are you lonely?”
- David Niven Ph.D. ‘100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It’

Don’t compete with partner. Couples who do are 37% less satisfied.
Forget past, enjoy present. Jealousy over past relationships hurts present relationship.

“Senior Citizens in Delray Beach, Florida married for several decades told me the points I should include in my book were;
Find a happy medium, which includes some time together and some time alone.
Have patience, communication and compromise.
Talk out any problems that arise.
Be unselfish.
Have a strong work ethic, a sense of humour and a love of family.
Say “I’m sorry”, “thank you” and “I forgot”.
Have mutual respect.
Enjoy each others company.
Respect each others integrity, and understand differences.
Show your appreciation for each other.
Always say good night even if you are still upset about something.”
- David Niven Ph.D. ‘100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It’

Couples who stay married with reasonably high marital satisfaction, seem to have a shared sense of humor and can be affectionate even when they are discussing an area of continuing disagreement. This positive affect serves to de-escalate the conflict and maintain physiological calm.

“the most common reasons couples give for their long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They define their marriage as a creation that has taken hard work, dedication and commitment (to each other and to the institution of marriage). The happiest couples are friends who share lives and are compatible in interests and values.”
- Professor David Popenoe, National Marriage Project, Rutgers University

“Happy people have better marriages, more satisfying and longer marriages.”
-Prof Ed Diener

In study of adults over 9 years marriage and friendship were the stronger predictors of people still being alive; marriage has the strongest buffering effect for men and friendship had the strongest buffering effect for women. (Berkman 1979)

Married people are happier and healthier.
USA divorce rates are between 50 and 67% approx.

“Separation and divorce have strong negative consequences for mental and physical health of both spouses. These negative effects include increase risk for psychopathology; increased rates of automobile accidents including fatalities and increased incidence of physical illness, suicide violence homicide and mortality from disease.” Dr. John Gottman, ‘What predicts divorce?’

The four horsemen of the apocalypse; The four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling (in order of least to most dangerous).
-Dr. John Gottman, psychologist at the University of Washington

Talking is better than fighting.
Wishing you a joyful and meaningful life filled with love, fun and challenges,

Have a happy OPRAH week!

Keep positive!

Phil McNally
Positive Psychology Coach

Remember,
“Happy couples put time and energy and money into keeping both their love tanks full.”
– Phil McNally, Positive Psychology Coach

PS Now read Dr Gottmans book endorsed by two world happiness psychologists and highly researched advice;

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0752837...

PSS Buy my book and you too can rave about it or get your money back if unhappy!

“Hi Phil, just read your book. I thought it was great. Very well done. Regards”
Partner, Accenture

PPS Visit the great Gottman’s website and take this relationship quiz http://www.gottman.com/marriage/relationship_quiz/quiz1/

© Very Happy Phil McNally 2008
Creative Commons
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/