Very Happy Phil

We say some of the NASTIEST things to ourselves! I say some terrible things to myself sometimes I’m surprised we’re still friends! Thinking or saying negative comments to ourselves is just like beating ourselves up! Ouch. Sometimes our negative thoughts are automatic and sometimes we choose our negative thoughts. I will give you an example; I have met men and women I think are very attractive but they think they are unattractive. And vice versa. If you think you are, you are. If you think you’re not you’re right. Thoughts are thoughts. Thoughts are not facts! We can choose what we tell ourselves.

I think everyone has some negative thoughts and some negative labels about themselves;

My life is crap
I’m not good enough
I’m not attractive
I’m not good looking
I am a loser
I can’t do anything right
I can’t go on
I give up
I......

What do you tell yourself?

I want to share with you one scientifically proven technique co-invented by Happiness expert Prof Seligman and used within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy;

ABCDE
A- Adversity situation
B- Belief that we tell ourselves
C- Consequences –how we feel and act- due to negative belief that we tell ourselves
D- Dispute and challenge the negative belief with alternative positive belief(s)
E- Energize

This technique can by used in any work, sport, study, relationship or life situation to help stop the abuse we give ourselves. Negative self talk can have negative effects on our life’s in a number of ways; I will give you an example; There is a story in my book about when I was attracted to a woman and didn’t go and talk to her (Adversity situation) because I must have told myself there was no point she probably wouldn’t date me or she has a boyfriend (belief that I tell myself) so I never chatted to her or asked her out, which made me feel sad and get angry with myself (Consequences-how I feel and act as a result of the negative belief that I tell myself). I later told myself that she may be single and she may want to go out with me (dispute and challenge the negative belief with alternative positive beliefs) but if I don’t chat to her I’ll never know. So I approached her and chatted and gave her my number and I walked away feeling amazing (energize). I have also used ABCDE to explain to myself why a friend hasn’t called back and when I dispute it (e.g. they could be on holiday or their phone might not work) my alternative positive belief has turned out to be true!

Another approach which is also well researched and proven is called ‘Mindfulness’. Although it has only become common in the last years by western countries it has been used in the east and by Buddhists for hundreds of years! Mindfulness is used in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) therapy, Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as well as Buddhism. The mindfulness approach to negative self talk is to be aware of the thoughts and accept them for what they are, just thoughts. Most of our thoughts are completely untrue and yet many of our thoughts affect how we feel and act. Mindfulness experts may refer to the mind as only a listening device for thoughts, just like the ears are for sounds. We don’t blame our ears for the sounds it hears! So we must not blame our mind for the negative thoughts! It is only natural! The brain is designed for negative thinking to help us survive, which is why it is so easy to be negative! I think there is a negative area in my brain that is a natural and brilliant at negative thinking sometimes! (remember mindfulness- that is just a thought, not a fact! :)
I will give more info on mindfulness in future.

ACT and mindfulness expert Dr Russ Harris taught me to defuse the power of negative thoughts by saying the negative self talk in my head in a cartoon voice. I used a squeaky voice and the thoughts made me smile! (I don’t normally smile when I beat myself up!) I call it funny voice therapy!

Your task this week is to ‘catch’ yourself next time you find the negative thoughts beating you up and use some ABCDE or some mindfulness (or funny voice therapy). I hope you find them helpful.

Here are a few of my favourite quotes which inspire me;

“I prefer ACT (to CBT). It’s quicker. You don’t have to spend time fighting negative thoughts. Just defuse and accept them, make room for them. Negative thoughts will always come into our heads.”
- Dr Russ Harris, ACT expert and author of ‘The Happiness Trap’

“He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.”
-Confucius

"I understand that my love for myself is the greatest possession I will ever have.
-John Ruskan

“Be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle inside.”
-Plato

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

“I’m ok. You’re ok.” - Thomas A Harris MD, author of ‘I’m ok - You’re ok’

“I think I'm a special one”
- Jose Mourinho, twice voted the world's best football manager

“From now on, until it becomes an automatic reaction in your head, end every one of your statements of certainty with the word MAYBE e.g. ‘I love my new job...MAYBE’”
-Susan Jeffers PhD., ‘Embracing Uncertainty’

If it’s working for you, use it. If it’s not, lose it.

Wishing you a joyful and meaningful life full of love, fun and challenges, Keep positive!

Love & hug
Very Happy Phil McNally, Author of ‘Winning Mentality’
:)

Remember,
“Thoughts are not facts! We can't stop the negative thoughts but we can stop the pain if we accept and dispute our negative thoughts or accept and defuse our negative thoughts.

We can choose what we say to ourselves. I am the special one!”
– Very Happy Phil

PS Check out my ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC* blog and book here; http://www.veryhappyphil.com

*This week one of world's most well known and well loved happiness experts told me he thought my blog was “absolutely fantastic”!