Very Happy Phil

Human beings are social creatures and one of our core needs for psychological and physiological health is the need to feel a sense of belonging, to feel loved. I will give you an example;

Renowned psychologists Ed Diener and Martin Seligman did a famous study examining very happy people and compared with others. Very happy people were not richer, smarter, fitter or healthier; the difference was that all they had “rich and satisfying social relationships”.

Close relationships are one of the most meaningful and important factors in happiness. One of the biggest ingredients in happiness is number of friends, closeness of friends, closeness of family and relationships with coworkers and neighbours. In research these relationships account for 70 percent of personal happiness. If you feel close to other people you are four times more likely to feel good about yourself. People who are satisfied with their life have been found to have regular experiences with family and friends. A major negative impact on happiness is wishing for better family relationships or romantic relationships or friendships. Be grateful for what we have and have no regrets for what we do not have.

Conversely if humans feel alone or isolated it can be detrimental to mental and physical health. I will give you an example; Dr William Mayer carried out a study to find out were 38% of American Prisoners of war who were held in North Korea did not survive. He carried out an investigation into their conditions and found that they were well looked after, given sufficient food and water and shelter was comfortable and in large rooms with other prisoners. One of the main reasons for the high death rate was the North Koreans used a strategy to “deny men the emotional support that comes from interpersonal relationships”. Many soldiers just ‘gave up’ living and died. If you have read ‘Long Walk to Freedom’ you will know that Nelson Mandela swapped good food in isolation for bad food and social connect because he longed for and missed the company of fellow prisoners.

Making connections with other humans (friends and strangers);
Make eye contact
Smile or nod or wave or Say ‘hello’

Making friends;
Open body language
Find a connection; same weather, bank, wait, football team, day of the week Find shared interest; hobby, kids, sport, study, humour, tv show

Build relationships and boost your happiness at same time with any of the actions below.

Free happiness boosters;
Spend time with friends
Tell a joke or funny story to a friend
Call a friend
Congratulate friends
Write a ‘thank you’ note and read it to them personally Chat to them after a traumatic experience Forgive them Love them

Other ways to build relationships;
Remember name
Remember birthday
Remember important details; partner, children, pets
Remember the last topics discussed
Expect imperfect
Trust them
Respect them

Here are a few of my favourite quotes which inspire me; “The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children's godparents, the people to whom I've been able to turn in times of trouble, friends who have been kind enough not to sue me when I've used their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister. So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships.”
© JK Rowling 2008 (Commencement address Harvard Graduation Class of 2008)

“Everyone in this world wears an imaginary button that screams out "I WANT TO FEEL IMPORTANT AND APPRECIATED!"-Robin S. Sharma, ‘The Top 200 Secrets of Success and the Pillars of Self-Mastery’ (also author ‘Who will cry when you die?’)

“Human beings are highly social, communal animals. We are meant to live in families, tribes, and communities and when we lack those connections we suffer. I do know for sure the connectedness is necessary to well being.” -Dr Andrew Weil, ‘8 Weeks to Optimum Health’

“(Humans) Need- Belonging; Love, belonging, affiliation & acceptance.”
Abraham H. Maslow, ‘Motivation and Personality’

2 common statements from top performing workers;
‘Someone seems to cares about me. I have a best friend at work’
-‘12’ by Rodd Wagner and James K. Harter

‘Develop and foster close relationships with your family and friends.’
-Dr Colin J Holloway ‘Live well over 100’

‘We all deprive health benefits from friendship. Some people are surprised when I mention that I can count the number of those I call real friends on one hand. True, I have hundreds, if not thousands of acquaintances that I can happily spend time with.’
-Dr Roger Henderson ‘100 ways to live to 100’

“Do I ever get lonely? No. What do I attribute that to? I think one factor is that I look at any human being from a more positive angle, I try to look for their positive aspects. This attitude immediately creates a feeling of affinity, a kind of connectedness. If you approach others with the thought of compassion that will automatically reduce fear and allow an openness with other people. It creates a positive friendly atmosphere. Whenever I meet people I always approach them from the standpoint of the most basic things we have in common. All of us wants happiness and do not want to suffer.”
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama (and Dr Howard C. Culter), ‘The Art of Happiness’

“Seek first to understand…then to be understood. Don’t you find that, while others are speaking to you, instead of really listening to understand, you are busy preparing your response? Valuing the difference is the essence of synergy….realise that all people see the world, not as it is, but as they are.”
-Stephen R. Covey, ‘7 habits of highly effective people’

“Do not discard people who have behaved badly- workmen, friends, others, as you might need them later” (Nina Petrova) ‘Seize the Day’
“Have friends of all ages. So many people are left alone after surviving their contemporaries” (Ronald Blythe) ‘Seize the Day’

‘Give your phone number to 5 people on your street (Action 45).’
-‘Change the world for a fiver’ we are what we do

“Don’t send me flowers when I’m dead. Spend me flowers while I’m alive!”
-Brian Clough

Friendship =love + trust + forgiveness

‘The best things in life are free
Friends are people you can call at 4am
Friends are people who know everything about you and are still your friend
Strangers are only friends we haven’t met
Put yourself in the other persons shoes T
reat other people the way THEY wish to be treated.
If you can’t be nice, be as nice as you can’

I want to see my friends while I’m alive, not at my funeral when I’m dead!

Your task this week; Connect with people you meet this week. Smile. Wave. Chat.
Nurture one close relationship this week, using one of the free happiness boosters above or one of the five love languages or one of the 5 hours of OPRAH (see previous post on blog link below).

Wishing you a joyful and meaningful life filled with love, fun and challenges.

Have a happy relationship week!
Keep positive!
Phil McNally
Positive Psychology Coach

Remember,
“Happy people have close relationships and friendships. They feel loved and a sense of belonging."
– Phil McNally, Positive Psychology Coach

PS If you have any questions contact me.

PPS Read the first chapter of my first book or read FREE happiness boosters here; http://www.veryhappyphil.com/content/the-secret-happy-couples-5-hours-op...

‘Winning Mentality’ includes over 100 inspiring stories from myself and other rare sources. Enough stories and quotes and pages to read one a day!

PPPS Five core needs of healthy and happy people;
Meaning and purpose
Feel loved and belonging
Positive mind
Feel in Control
Positive health

© Phil McNally 2008
Creative Commons
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/

I DISCOVERED an amazing poem on friendship called 'The Invitation' which has been read by thousands of people around the world! The poet was inspired to write it after she got fed up with small talk at a party one night. The wonderful poem follows;

'The Invitation'
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

© Mountaindreaming, from the book 'The Invitation'